March 23rd, 2005
|10:57 pm - weird quizzes....yet again wasting my life jeje|
i got the GREEEEN one!! woooooo
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: grateful dead—casey jones
March 22nd, 2005
i don't really know where to begin here, but i suppose it makes sense to start on the first day i met my cat boomer. it was almost nine years ago when i was in the third grade, and i immediately fell in love with two beautiful cats—boomer and chocolate. for the next years i watched them grow into lively, silly, and consumingly entertaining individuals. boomer was always the lazy cat who ate more than he could afford and slept more than he was awake. i loved how mellow he acted. we gave him the ephitet "buddha boomer." chocolate, my cat, was the opposite—a risk taking rebel at heart who gave her mommy quite the scare quite a few times. i think i see aspects of myself in both of those cats. that makes sense. we grew up together. they watched me come and go, and would always be there to greet me when i got home with two sets of four eager eyes. boomer's eyes were an electric green color. i will never forget those eyes. even now the image of them still burns inside my memory. about two months ago, i found out that boomer had terminal kitty cancer, and it took an almost futile logic to control my sorrow. i knew his days were numbered as i watched the once plump kitty i knew transform and detriorate into a mere shadow of his former self. he became so thin that he looked like death even while he was still alive. it tore me apart to see him like that, and i tried to block out this image of boomer, to remember him as the youthful cat he once was. it scared me to see him like that. it made me uncomfortable, and i was afraid to be close to him in this time. i felt that every time i would try to get close to him that i could hurt him. he seemed so fragile, and it disturbed me. i will always regret feeling this way. especially last night, when he passed away, and i was not even there to say goodbye. i had an sat prep course. in some way i think that my cat is more important...just a thought. i wish that i could have been with him more in the last few months. i had my chance, twenty-four hours for each day that i knew he was ill, to be close to him, yet i spent that time away off on my own selfish adventures. i know now that i will never get that time back. EVER. it may be a bit extreme to say it was wasted, but it just seems like if you do not watch what is going on around you and live in the present, life will pass you by without a second chance. i will never get a second chance to see boomer, yet some part of me wants to believe that somehow he will come back. i tell myself that this is just like he is outside, and of course he will be back when he gets hungry out in the cold and rain. but this time he has gone further than just out my front door. he's left my life. i still cannot believe that he is gone, and maybe i'm not ready to accept that yet. time i know will heal the loss...but now i am too shocked to even believe that he will never be scratching on that back door again or that we cannot watch the OC together. even now i feel his presence all around me, like he could be sitting next to me as i write this, possibly my own silent editor, watching over me with those vibrant green eyes...
so i guess this post is dedicated to boomer gantos and to anyone else who has lost a pet, no a FRIEND
boomer is the grey guy on the left, chocolate is in the hands of the troll child (jk!) on the right
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: zeppelin—battle of evermore
March 19th, 2005
|11:16 pm - this thing is my hero|
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: none?
March 11th, 2005
March 8th, 2005
|08:00 pm - FEMINISM IS A FELONY|
okay, so i'm going to be sort of radical here, but i've officially decided that FEMINISM KILLED LOVE. murdered. slaughtered it on its very own funeral pire...okay so you get the point. but really, i blame it for my relationship problems. ever since the feminists came along they created a generation of women who wanted to be treated like people, not like women. little did they know they would disrupt not only their lives but also the ENTIRE social system. men these days are confused. they do not know how to treat women because women no longer ask to be treated like women. the traditional roles, roles that biologically make sense, are gone. you can thank feminism for that my friends. we've created a generation of spoiled mean girls and a lot of men who are unfortunately confused out of their minds. i don't blame them really. i am just as confused watching this three-ring circus unfold. but mostly i am sad. what happened to that old-time romance? you know, the kind you see in movies where there is a damsel in distress and a handsome knight to carry her away. is it still possible today? or will my attempts to find it be forever silenced by my character, indefinitely influenced by the feminist household i've been raised in?....just some thoughts that came to mind today...
on a lighter note, i had a really cute little-kiddy afternoon! i walked to the ice cream store and got peppermint ice cream with chocolate fudge. the lady told me that back in the old days all the ritzy restuarants served that....jaja who knew? but yeah, then since it was such a nice afternoon when i got home i went to the yard and danced around with the garden hose...yeah real cool i know jaja. man i do love finals week sometimes. tends to bring out the kid in each of us.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Snow Patrol—Run
February 26th, 2005
|11:50 pm - my vacation because i'm sure you care....ha|
oh my. ski week is almost over. one more day. fuck. tahoe was actually more fun than i thought it was going to be. the weather up there was gorgeous, along with the men jaja, but really it snowed the first night we were there as we were coming out of the albertsons. there were huge, i mean huge, snowflakes, so i felt compelled to dance in the parkinglot in the snow while my family looked at me like i was crazy. they have the tendencies of three very wet blankets. jon was there too at the hyatt, a hotel with an awesome swimming pool/hot tub/bonfire thinger, and i went snowboarding (aka fell flat on my arse all of the way down the hill. jolly good fun)! so, i successfully managed to escape from my family for most of the trip...surprisingly. i learned that i can relate to them best when we are apart. i suppose that is not relating at all, but whatever works i guess. now. i'm back in town and still soar from snowboarding (that's some damn good exercise), and i come back to work to find out that two of my favorite peetnicks have been LAID OFF!! dude! some corporate issue....but it made me so sad. i'll definitely miss having them around the store. really, they were both great guys. **tear** times are going to change again. i can tell. things always change in march. i don't know there's something in the air, and it's not just the allergies. but no worries, im going to marry a columbian drug lord!!! woot woot
Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: different ways—the shore
February 14th, 2005
|09:10 pm - im a heartbroken sleepy koala...|
wow. i worked myself into an emotional frenzy...with a damn good reason....but this one has me sick and in bed. the scariest thing about this is—other than the 102 degree fever—i don't really know what is wrong with me. MONO?....possibly...i have all of the symptoms, but my parents refuse to believe me and until an hour ago refused to even get me tested. jackasses. i seriously feel like a sleepy koala—i eat, i sleep, possibly socialize a bit with other koalas but mostly i SLEEP. i mean it really isn't too bad. koala's are awesome, just boring.
oh and its valentine's day today, but im not celebrating it because four days ago my valentine RAN AWAY. i miss him ever so....**tear**
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: The Great Gig in the Sky—Pink Floyd
February 11th, 2005
|05:46 pm - im a happy clam!|
well today this lady came to our school during assembly, and i was ready for just another sleeper. but, instead she gave an inspiring speech that i really have been needing to hear. she asked us what our five "outrageous" goals were—im sure you all want to hear mine jaja...jk but here they are:
1. to find that pure love—the kind where you truly cannot live without the person love and where you feel like you have found the other half of yourself love—AND have it be reciprocated from my partner too!! **drifts off into sentimental paradise jeje**
2. to travel the world for however many years, months, days it takes for me to experience the truth of what's really out there
3. to write an earth-shaking fantasy novel...tolkien you better watch your back jeje
4. to be an naturalist in the south american rainforest and fight for the just cause of animal rights
5. last but certainly not least...to be an award-winning fashion designer, preferably one who changed the face of contemporary fashion into a look that is more about the sensual, enjoyable nature of life and less about the overinflated propoganda of sex
those are mine. now i want to hear yours!! there is an old druid saying that believes that if you tell 20 people about your goal(s), at least one of them will hold the key to your next step toward achieving it! so post away mates!
Current Mood: rejuvenated
Current Music: comfortable—john mayer
February 10th, 2005
|11:20 pm - kudos to the cool!|
i just wanted to say that i definitely have great friends!! i don't think we say it enough jaja. thanks guys for just being so awesome. **pats everyone on the back** woo!
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: the luckiest—ben folds five
February 9th, 2005
|10:35 pm - a lil depressed to say the least|
i suppose joan didion was right when she said self respect comes from learning all of the lights are not going to turn green on that road of life. i definitely learned that lesson today. i can't even begin to explain the anguish and also strange relief im feeling right now. the world has turned topsy turvy in just a few minutes of my life. i don't understand why everytime i meet a guy i really like that he happens to be one that has just gone through a "rough breakup"—is that just a universal let down line or the ironic truth? i'm hoping its the truth, but nonetheless, even if it wasn't i would still be at the same spot wouldn't i? i'd be sitting here at this red traffic light, yes red, not green. i don't understand what i did to deserve learning this life lesson TWICE, but i guess it happened again because i didn't get it right the first time? i don't care. at least i can rest easy though knowing that what i feared in the darkest depths of my mind was actually the truth. in a way i saw myself writing this journal entry a few weeks ago, but i guess i was too hopeful to let it happen then. i can finally get my sleep back. i've been staying up late all week, staring blankly into the abyss, wondering about this puzzle, and now that it's solved i really don't think that i am that much happier, just relieved. there's definitely a difference. all i know is that come tomorrow i won't be smiling for a while. i don't know...i mean he was the cinnamon spice on my latte, but i guess i was just the algae in his hot tub...that's definitely a good enough reason to cry myself to sleep.
on a good note i think my english paper is going well **note placement to emphasize the previous hyperbole ;)** jeje
Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: babe, im gonna leave you—zeppelin